Now and then, one of you sends in writing that assures me that what we do together here matters very much. Anjana Das is such a writer. She responded to last week’s Breakthrough tip on Stopping. Her words matter much more than mine could this week. Thank you, Anjana, for your courage, your writing and your willingness to explore. Breakthrough Mary
Dear Mary,
I must confess to cheating on this Freewrite.
Having read your tip first thing this morning, I told myself I was going to work on it soon after the morning cup. But the tea brewing got me wondering what I was going to write and from then to now at 9 in the night I have been plotting how I would approach the subject. So in a way it was not spontaneous.
Nevertheless I edited out paras where what I wrote didnt make any sense or was too cliche. Attached is the amputated version. Wishing you a new beginning.. :): To begin we need to first stop somewhere. A beginning can come only after that halt. And when you stop, you will see the clouds scurrying past as if in great haste. You may notice the light from the sun falling in one patch and then another, as if playing hide and seek. The birds in the sky are flying to some place unknown. The wind is in motion too, pushing air in fistfuls. Even time is moving as the seconds lapse on your wrist.
Nothing really stopped. For your heart is pumping blood furiously, along the thousands of conduits laid out. Your mind is traveling at far greater speeds than you are able to control. Each cell that makes your body into the marvellous organism that you have become is in constant motion to take in, take out or maintain the equilibrium it is supposed to.
And yet out of all this you make a new beginning. You begin to chart a new path that will eventually lead you to old territories where it once again begins a familiar cycle. A lifetime is marked by stops followed by new beginnings.
I asked Anjana to try an experiment: Do this a second time without plotting it. As soon as you read this email, look at the picture and write for twenty minutes. Immediately. m
She fired this back:
It feels like I am being told to stop. I try and I try but my mind doesn’t stop. I close my eyes, shut out the light, feel my breath and try to shut my thoughts from traveling, from wandering, from jumping from one errand to another but I cant. And then just for a moment there is a stillness. There is a dark blob that spreads and disintengrates and them comes together to fill my closed eyes. I feel the heaviness of stopping my mind. But soon it escapes and my mind plays truant again. It plays like a baby chimpanzee hanging from one branch and leaping unto another.
How does one ever stop the mind ?? I ask. 
Next I try not to think anything. But that sets it on a different course – an ominous one. There is a sinking feeling, like falling into a bottomless abyss, dark again. Disoriented and a bit nauseated the mind kicks in to thinking again. After a bit of minor transgressions I try emptying my mind like emptying the trash cleaning it off every thought, and then I begin to FEEL. I feel my breath and the air going in, and filling my abdomen and then the faint rush of air exhaled through the nose. My mind takes on the wonder of the human body. I think of the Anatomy Text and then of my abandoned clinical practice. Ahh yes I have to look up the insulin metabolism pathway I remind myself. There… my mind wanders again.
Nudging it back to nothingness I am tired. I concentrate on nothingness and the numbness returns to my fingers. I don’t feel the way I have clasped them. I don’t own my feet either and have no idea where they are. Good I have achieved STOPPING MY MIND, I realize. Then I begin to fear how long I will be able to keep this going.
40 mins is what was prescribed. Is that good ? How does one keep the mind still for so long ??
The beginnings of a headache rear up. No, I have to stop this thinking. I imagine the Buddha in meditating repose. I visualize his face, his closed eyes and begin to absorb the peace he exudes around him. It works. This time perhaps for a few seconds longer.
What feels like a whole morning is only 15 minutes. That’s how time slows down when you stop your mind from running away to wherever it pleases. Maybe it’s the time of the day.. perhaps it’s the room and the magnetic field, I console myself. Tomorrow I shall in the open balcony. It will work I promise myself.
I have to stop thinking…
I thanked Anjana and asked her if I could use these pieces in Breakthrough Writing. She wrote back:
Your assignments are very complex and deep thought provoking which is why I am unable to (not dont) attempt them.
What did I learn ? Stopping in itself is a very difficult process for me. Stilling the mind, even more painful but when I put to words what I experienced it felt like a confession. Like I emptied my heart (rather mind) off an embarrassing truth.
What did I learn from doing it a second time ? A drink helps. 😉
Also, that sometimes it just flows easily. (When and how it does is mysterious.) And sometimes no matter how much you prime your thought or force it to be creative, pen to paper, it just doesnt come. Not even a trickle.
You have said something (again) in the latest Matador newsletter that has zeroed in on the trouble I was having with the Matador assignment. I just havent been able to figure out how to approach the next assignment. An interview. And I have been inventing dubious reasons to apologize for my slackness.
I will get to it.
Much Rgds
Anjana
PS : Please feel free to use my material.
Later she wrote this: Please do, Mary.
I know in America you have to ask for explicit permission for everything, sometimes parents, of children. But in India, a shishya (disciple) surrenders to the Guru, who has the right to demand from his student and it is to be offered willingly. As I do. There is a great feeling in being picked out as a reliable example. 🙂 Thank you, Anjana
I hope some of you might have a response to Anjana’s courage and work. If you send it to me, I will be sure she gets it.And, of course, will be happy to put it into next week’s Breakthrough Writing. Send in a Word doc to bstarr67@gmail.com
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