I greet you, my faithful comrades and readers. A new reader has asked who the other FLF*
Compound members are. I believe it is always best to let a comrade speak for her/him/herhimself. Here is our most senior colleague – Miss Chi Chi, who turned twenty in human years this month. She is proudly defiant of her birth as a boy. We’ll begin with that humble, but gorgeous beginning.
Interviewer: When did you know that you were a woman?
Miss Chi Chi: I knew the instant my darling little head peeked out of my mother’s you-know-what. “I am a fabulous woman to be,” I said to the waiting universe and, indeed, fabulous I was – and is. Our human, dear dear Mary who has no fashion sense, was told I was a little girl and named me Rosie. But, one day when she was petting me, she noticed that I had an – well – polite company doesn’t allow for me to say exactly, but something occurred that indicated that I was biologically a b-o-y. By then, we both knew that that gene thingee isn’t everything. Our human had watched To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar and she immediately!!! knew my name was Chi Chi – for Chi Chi Rodriguez, the beautiful queen in the movie. So, imagine!!! From a girl to a boy to a woman. Mysterious are the ways of the universe.
Interviewer: I understand that you are not just an irresistibly alluring honey trap, but a writer. Would you be willing to share some of your writing?
Miss Chi Chi: I just nearly fainted with happiness at your request. First, a little history: my first writing was a piece I submitted to Salon. Despite my somewhat veiled, but entirely honest threat to cause suicide of myself if it didn’t win their competition, they didn’t chose moi. But, they did send a sweet note. Here is a little section of my submission – I adore submission – with the original correct cat spelling: Omigoddis, I can’t beleev this credibil opportuntee to tel my storee. You dint say wether I hav to be humin, wich, thankgoddis I am not. Mi nam is Chi Chi, I AM FELINE and my trubbles startid wen I wuz 5 munths old ‘n’ the ladee I pikt as karetakir wuz petting me (beleeving I wuz a gurl, yes, a bewteeful cute darling girl) ‘n’ sumhow I had an embarssing event with a litul pink penis that wuz on mi bodee by mistak. So, Mere, hoo is veree kind, wich is the most portant thing, tuk me to Dr. L., hoo made evreething how it shud be, namly, that I AM NOW A WOMIN!!!
Well, you wud think I wuz in kittee hevin wut with living in a litul cabin in the wuds, with Mere, hoo can sometimes be a b…h, wut with menipaws ‘n’ all, but she is mosly kind. Gess hoo is not…Ant Feeona, hoo is a gray kittee hoo HATES ME!!
So, hear is how mi nervis brakedown wuz cawsed, not bi me, sirpriz, sirpriz, but by croolty of a sirtin oldir (much oldir kittee). It is xcerptid frum a letir to mi daddee hoo is being a ranjir in the mowntins. I hope this duz not diskwalfi me.
Hear is the trajik storee of my recint nervis brakedown wich wuz veree bad and lastid for mene daes, as mene tows as i hav on my two litul front paws. Well, terbil ant feeona (I wont wont wont put a kapitil letir on her dum name!!!) sed a veree crool thing to me wich I cant cant cant bare to repeet. (But it had somthing to do with wate ‘n’ how mi fir is not kwite growing back gud aftir my bewty parlir mistake.) Becaws I am a ladee and a veree gud litul gurl ‘n’ wont stupe to her levil, I bited my lip and went away with dignitee.
Well, nex thing you no, the bite get fected and it hurts veree much but becaws I am brav and do not lik to caws trubil lik sum crool hartless gray old plump fat cat-biches I cud menshun, I simplee went off to hide undir varyus cabins.
My next achievement (Editor’s note: We decided to convert Chi Chi Speak into conventional human English.) was to write Gud ‘n’ Kind Advise, an advice column for the once flourishing Flagstaff Women’s Newsletter, published by Marty/Kathleen, owner of the once flourishing Aradia Bookstore, which was killed by a greedy landlord. Here is a typical column:
Gud ‘n’ Kind Advise
by
Moi, Chi Chi LaChatte-Rodregez, PurrHD.
Wel! Heer I am agen, Miss Chi Chi herself. Mere is still fiteing for the irth…wud yu beleev sum peepul want to bild sum mor ski junk up on the big holee mowntin, war I purrsinilee hav sum big butch mowntin cat reltivs!, ‘n’ ware the peepul hoo hav livd heer forevir hav holee plasis. I ask you, wy ar rich peepul so coo-coo abowt monee. I cud see if it wuz bewteefool jools, but, no, it is just mor dum monee. Mere says, “Yes, I am bisee, but nuntheless, Miss Chi Chi’s gud ‘n’ kind advise must go forth!!!”
Chi Chi mentil helth up-date: I AM MUCH BETIR, BAK TO MI WUNDERFOOL SELF AND MOR BEWTEEFOOL THAN EVIR, DOO TO HAVING SPENT A RESTFUL AWTUM WITH MY BELOVID UNKIL ASHLEE (oops, the kaptil thing got stuk) plus I screemd a big hartful primil screem at mene old fat plump Ant Feeona. “Yu cannot opres me no longir,” I screemed. “I am a bewteefool womin with or withowt my long gorgis fir, wich yu hav hardlee enee of, so thare!” Mere herd me. It was the lowdis kittee screem she evir herd and now I com in the cabin ‘n’ slepe on a cushin by the fire ‘n’ anything I want. Ha ha ha ha ha. So, dere reeders, wen yu ar being opresd ‘n’ yer mowntin that yu lov is being hert, just screem owt with all yer wirth, “No way, Hossay!” (wich is bi-lingwil, wich I am, being partlee Spanish.)
Enuf abowt Moi, heer coms the gud ‘n’ kind advise: Kweschin #1: Antees Tobee ‘n’ Tina askd me to say sumthing abowt crool and hartless child labor, how sum rich litul childrin get a milyun toys for Crispnis wich ar made bi uthir litul childrin in terbil places for hardlee no monee when the pur litutl childrin shud by playing and lerning and being happe, with full tummees.
Ansir: OMIGODDESS, wut is rong with humins? It wud nevir hapin in kittee wirld, ‘speshlee in wild kittee wirld. Litul childrins ar sposd to be not with wurries abowt not enuf munee and pestisides and bad kemkils wich can hirt you. Our litutl kittee childrin hav childrinhuds war we play and fite sillee and drink gud milk from owr mommee’s brestes and tak lots of naps. Yu pitteefool humins need to wake up and be more like animils. That is mi advise. (At this point, Miss Chi Chi was so upset she had to take a bath.)
Kweschin #2. Dear Miss Chi Chi, I really like meowing at the moon–but people think it’s just for coyotes and they think I’m a little crazy. Tell me, Miss Chi Chi, is it okay for cats to meow at the moon, your faithful reader, Mika.
Answer: A. Hoo cares wut peepul think? That is dum lunasy abowt onlee coyotees howling at owr Grandmommee, the mun! B. Meowwwwwwwwwwwwwarooooooo!
Kweschin #3. Dere CC, My nam is Awldo and I am a stuffed bare. My problem is wen peepul think they now what’s “best” for you and give you a bath u do not nede. (Can you say “boundree violation?”) My person went away and left me with a friend hoo washed me, I don’t know why. Now I am like the only person at the beach without a tan. Shud I fire my person who abandoned me, or file a lawsuit? Regards, A. Leopold Bare
Answer: Yu strik me as a hilee telgent bare hoo nos wut he nedes ‘n’; probly hansum, too. I persinilee can relate tu yir problim doo to the trajdee of Miss Debbee shaving off all my fir but litul legs ‘n’ arms ‘n’ on mi hed like a helmit or a litutl tv satlite dish. Hoo can no the hartbrake of uthirs jujing owr traktivnis…lik sum dum humins think fat is uglee, wud yu beleeve?!!! (I onlee menshin Ant Feeona’s plumpnis becaws she is dum as a humin!) So, yu shud kepe yer humin hoo wuz just a litul goofee, and sue the persin hoo gave yu the bath, ‘n’ giv me sum jools frum the monee yu get frum the lawsute.
And, to mi noo beelovid B., hoo has deklard himself in a tuching ‘n’ hiley purrsinil note PLUC PICSHER OF HIS FABUOUSLY HANSUM SELF I MITE ADD, Yes, yu know wut I’m tawking abowt, yu big buch boy!
Mi 1998 Noo Yere wish for the hole planit is this: Yu humins get yer sorree act togethir bi nex yeer or else!
Ciao for niao, miao, Miss Chi Chi
And, here is a poem I wrote in tribute to Spring and Myself:
Now!A time of bewtee!Almost as bewteefool as me!Wen the mowntins ar sparkleeng!Almost as bewteefool as the litul rineston colir I wish Mere wud get me!O!Wen the rivirs and crekes are gurgling!Almos lik Ant Feeona wen she is snoring!O! So tragik!Wen lots of prettee clos ar on sale!‘N’ a bewteefool gurl kittee gets to boro the truck ‘n’ go to the mall!Yes!Now!Spring! Wen the birdees ar singing ‘n’ I onlee eat a few.I! Chi Chi! Skampring threw the grass.The end!Interviewer: I'm sure our readers feel as overwhelmed as I do. So much talent and dedication in such a petite body. Do you have anything to add? Miss Chi Chi: As I have so often shouted to our comrades, "If some- is trying to oppress you, just put you hands on your hips, stomp your feet and say, NO WAY, JOSAY. YOU CANNOT OPPRES ME NO MORE. Today's mewsing: Never underestimate the power of a fabulous woman. *FLF is the Feline Liberation Front.
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