A hundred thousand worlds are flowers in the sky
a single mind and body is moonlight on the water
once the cunning ends and information stops
at that moment there is no place for thought. —Han Shan
Now and then I have thought that I couldn’t think. There sure weren’t any flowers
in those moments. After all, I’ve imagined myself as a huge brain on a great pair of legs for most of my life. No thinking. No Mary.
After years of therapy and Recovery, I know most of the time that if I think I can’t think, I’m having a panic attack. Sometimes I walk myself through logical steps to restore my confidence in my mind. Other times, that process doesn’t work. If I can push myself to write, well then…there are blossoms on the xmas cactus and a sky filled with last light and not just the possibility, but the certainty of the moon.
Later, I read what I have written while I was terrified or numb or wordless with rage. I am always grateful to meet that woman.
And you? Take us with you into a new experiment. Take us into what lies beneath your thinking. Take us into the layers of the polished green stone on the calendar.
Here is Carole Milstead:
Walking out the front door totally frustrated with the day, the computer and whatever else presented itself. I thought out loud to myself as I closed the door behind me; “I really need fresh air and a change in scenery.” It is winter in Idaho, so the scenery is a bit drab. Flowers are only blooming in supermarkets. Trees have that naked look. Yards and fields are covered in pale yellow. Even the weeds along the road have no color. What did I think I was going to find? Something fresh and beautiful? How silly of me!
Stepping onto the walkway, I looked up. Big fluffy clouds, some white, some gray, and some even darker than gray were dancing across the sky. When the sun peeked out from a passing bank it is surprisingly warm. I had not expected that. It was nice surprise.
As I started down the street for a mind clearing walk, I decided that coming out for fresh air was definitely a good idea. And things were not as bleak as I thought they would be. Mother Nature always has a way of fixing things. I watched the resident ducks splashing around in the irrigation ditch. They never seem to migrate so they must like living here. Even though it is officially winter green sprouts are showing up under last years grass. I can imagine the small apple tree across the street covered in spring with gorgeous white blossoms followed by bright red apples in the fall. I can almost smell the flowering plum tree. As I come back towards the door, I had left from I could see a small flock of birds sitting in the front yard tree. Oh my! They are male Robins with their red breasts. Now that is definitely a spirit lifter. One never knows what one may find when escaping four walls and that annoying screen.
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